40 Famous John Mulaney quotes and Jokes That Will Make You Smile

Here is a wonderful collection of John Mulaney quotes. Quotes that contain the most beautiful words spoken by John Mulaney, and which will make you experience the happiest moments and spread joy and happiness around you. If you’re having a boring day, or you’ve had a difficult or stressful day, read John Mulaney’s quotes for a warm laugh.

 John Mulaney quotes

John Mulaney is an American comic known for his observational humor and for his sketches which show American reality very well.
John Edmund Mulaney (born August 26, 1982) is an American comedian, actor, screenwriter, and producer. He is known both as a screenwriter for Saturday Night Live and his stand-up shows The Top Part, New in Town, The Comeback Kid, and Kid Gorgeous, for which he won the Primetime Emmy Award for Best Screenplay. for a special program in 2018. He is the creator and lead actor of the Fox sitcom Mulaney, a semi-autobiographical television series. He plays the character of George St. Geegland in a comedy duet with Nick Kroll, and most recently in Oh, Hello on Broadway (in) from September 2016 to early 2017. He also lends his voice to Andrew Glouberman in the animated series from Netflix Big Mouth. His great-grandfather George J. Bates, as well as his son, William H. Bates, were Republican members of the United States House of Representatives from 1937 to 1949, respectively. and from 1950 to 1969

 20 Best john Mulaney quotes that will make you happy

After knowing the biography of john Mulaney, we begin to present his most important and best quotes. The Most Famous john Mulaney quotes That Must Be Recognized That Will Help You Draw A Smile On Other People’s Faces Don’t Skimp On Your Friends With john Mulaney quotes

1. ”I look back on being 17 and think, ‘Oh my God, how did I not die?”_john Mulaney best quotes
2. ”I was always the squarest person in the cool room, and alternatively, sometimes the weirder person at the mainstream table.”_john Mulaney best quotes
3. ”Things have to be funny first, and if they want to have a point, that’s awesome.”_john Mulaney best quotes
4. ”I have a lot of stories about being a kid because it was the last time I was interesting.”_john Mulaney best quotes
5. ”You can do good work simply staying up all night and eating nothing but junk food, but probably not in the long term.”_john Mulaney best quotes
6. ”I’m a very lucky person. I’m an idiot, and I’ve shoveled through life rather nicely so far, so I don’t feel like I deserve good treatment.”_john Mulaney best quotes
7. ”All my money is in a savings account. My dad has explained the stock market to me maybe 75 times. I still don’t understand it.”_john Mulaney best quotes
8. ”I like making fun of myself a lot. I like being made fun of, too. I’ve always enjoyed it. There’s just something really, really funny about someone tearing into me.”_john Mulaney best quotes
9. ”You all have a relative who is an expert even though they really don’t know what they’re talking about.”_john Mulaney best quotes
10. ”I can’t listen to any new songs. Because every new song is about how tonight is the night and we only have tonight. That is such 19-year-old horseshit. I want to write songs for people in their 30s called ‘Tonight’s no good. How about Wednesday? Oh, you’re in Dallas Wednesday? Let’s not see each other for eight months and it doesn’t matter at all.”_john Mulaney best quotes
11. ”I like when things are crazy. Something good comes out of exhaustion.”_john Mulaney best quotes
12. ”You remember being 12 when you’re like, ‘No one looks at me or I’ll kill myself.”_john Mulaney best quotes
13. ”You’re like the kid at the sleepover who, after midnight, is like, ‘It’s tomorrow now.’ Get out of here with your technicalities. Just because you’re accurate doesn’t mean you’re interesting.”_john Mulaney best quotes
14. ”It’s important to remember that life is a joke and that outlook grants a lot of perspectives, but I don’t think comedy should change and become political due to other things. It should just laugh at that cosmic joke that life is all the time.”_john Mulaney best quotes
15. ”I wish I could go tell 12-year-old me like I don’t worry that you just fainted in front of all the girls, one day you’ll be able to make this into an episode of TV.”_ john Mulaney quotes
16. ”My vibe is like, hey you could probably pour soup in my lap and I’ll apologize to you.”_ john Mulaney quotes
17. ”You have the moral backbone of a chocolate éclair.”_john Mulaney best quotes
18. ”Now, I don’t know if you’ve been following the news, but I’ve been keeping my ears open and it seems like everyone everywhere is super mad about everything all the time.”_john Mulaney best quotes
19. ”You can’t always see both sides of the story. Eventually, you have to pick a side and stick with it. No more equivocating. You have to commit.”_john Mulaney best quotes
20. ”13-year-olds are the meanest people in the world. They terrify me to this because 8th graders will make fun of you but in an accurate way. They will get to the thing that you don’t like about you.”_john Mulaney best quotes

Top 20 John Mulaney funny quotes

Now we move on to find out some funny quotes from John Mulaney. Quotes that will make you laugh without stopping. Read and listen to John Mulaney’s funny quotes and share them now with your friends.

1. “I always thought that quicksand was gonna be a much bigger problem than it turned out to be. You watch cartoons and quicksand is like the third biggest thing you have to worry about, behind the actual sticks of dynamite and giant anvils falling on you from the sky.” -john Mulaney funny quotes
2. “You should be able to say I don’t know. That should be an acceptable answer on a test.” -john Mulaney funny quotes
3. “Do you want a salad or fries? That’s like asking, ‘Do you want to go for a jog or freebase cocaine?’”-john Mulaney funny quotes
4. “I was once on the telephone with Blockbuster Video, which is a very old-fashioned sentence.”-john Mulaney funny quotes
5. “I don’t look like someone who used to do anything. I look like I was just sitting in a room with a chair eating saltines for 28 years and then walked right out here.” -john Mulaney funny quotes
6. “For those of you who don’t know what it is, blackout drinking is when your brain goes to sleep, but your body gets all ‘Eye of the Tiger’ and soldiers on.”-john Mulaney funny quotes
7. “When I’m walking down the street I don’t think anybody goes, ‘Hey look at that man’, they’re just like ‘Woah, that tall child looks terrible’.”-john Mulaney funny quotes
8. “I have a lot of stories about being a kid because it was the last time I was interesting.”-john Mulaney funny quotes
9. “Here’s how easy it was to get away with bank robbery back in the ’30s — as long as you weren’t still there when the police arrived, you had a 99% chance of getting away with it.”-john Mulaney funny quotes
10. “It’s 100% easier not to do things than to do them.”-john Mulaney quotes
11. “You have your law practice, and me, I have all these fucking markers.”-john Mulaney quotes
12. “If you are a school student, your opinion does not matter.”-john Mulaney quotes
13. “I am very small and I have no money. So you can imagine the kind of stress that I am under.”-john Mulaney  quotes
14. “Here’s how easy it was to get away with bank robbery back in the ’30s — as long as you weren’t still there when the police arrived, you had a 99% chance of getting away with it.”-john Mulaney  quotes
15. “Girl Scout cookies are delicious! They come in Thin Mint and Samoa and also other flavors. How come I have to know a child in a beret to order them? Just sell me the cookies. I have American money. Just put them in a store and I’ll buy them.”-john Mulaney quotes
16. “Now I get to say, ‘my wife’ which is very exciting. It has a lot of power to it. It’s fun to say ‘my wife’.-John Mulaney quotes
17. “I was bullied when I was in school for being Asian-American. The biggest problem with that is that I’m not Asian-American.”-john Mulaney quotes
18. I’m looking forward to saying it a lot. ‘Get away from my wife!’ ‘No one talks to my wife!’ ‘I didn’t kill my wife!’.”-john Mulaney quotes
19. “I always thought that quicksand was gonna be a much bigger problem than it turned out to be. You watch cartoons and quicksand is like the third biggest thing you have to worry about, behind the actual sticks of dynamite and giant anvils falling on you from the sky.”-john Mulaney quotes
20. “It was so beautiful today that I only watched four hours of ‘Law & Order’ in my apartment.”-john Mulaney quotes

Best john Mulaney jokes

in John Mulaney’s new Netflix special Kid Gorgeous

In this part, you will find the best jokes in the new Netflix special Kid Gorgeous by John Mulaney

1- john Mulaney 13 year olds

2- John Mulaney Got Cheated Out of $120K | Netflix Is A Joke

3- John Mulaney Was Supposed To Be Gay | Netflix Is A Joke

4-John Mulaney’s Awkward Child Interaction | Netflix Is A Joke

5-John Mulaney Fights Back Against Bullies | Netflix Is A Joke

6- John Mulaney Rewatched Back To The Future | Netflix Is A Joke

7-John Mulaney Rewatched Back To The Future | Netflix Is A Joke

8-Best john Mulaney jokes On performing at Radio City Music Hall:
“I love to play venues where if the guy who built the venue could see me on stage, he would be a little bit bummed about it.”

9- Best john Mulaney jokes On the zoo:
“You don’t always get to see the things you pay to see. Ever been to the goddamn zoo? Those things are never where they’re supposed to be! Every time I go to the zoo I’m like, ‘Hey, where’s the jaguar?’ and the zoo guy is like, ‘Uhh, he must be in the inside part.’ The inside part? Tell him we’re here.”

10- Best john Mulaney jokes On elementary school Stranger Danger assemblies:
“The greatest assembly of them all, once a year, was Stranger Danger. The hottest ticket in town. The Bruno Mars of assemblies.”

“You are gathered together as a school, and you are told never to talk to an adult you don’t know. And you are told this, by an adult you don’t know.”

“He did not look like his job description. He looked like he should be the conductor on a locomotive powered by confetti, but instead, he made his living in murder.

He was the weirdest goddamn person I ever saw in my entire life. He was a man most acquainted with misery. He could look at a child and guess the price of their coffin. That line never gets a laugh, but once you write it, it stays in the act forever.”

11-john Mulaney jokes On colleges asking for donations:
“And now you have the audacity to ask me for more money?! What kind of a cokehead relative is my college?”

“In their letter, they were like, ‘Hey, it’s been a while since you’ve given us money.’ I was like, ‘Hey, it’s been a while since you housed and taught me!’”

12-john Mulaney jokes On college:
“I lived like a goddamn Ninja Turtle. I didn’t drink water the entire time.”

“I paid $120,000 for someone to tell me to read Jane Austen, and then I didn’t.”

13-john Mulaney jokes On aging:
“I’m gross. I have hair on my shoulders now. I don’t even have a joke for that, that’s how much I hate that shit.”

“I’m like an iPhone, it’s going to be worse versions of this every year, plus I get super hot in the middle of the afternoon for no reason.”

14-john Mulaney jokes On Captchas:
“You spend most of your day telling a robot that you’re not a robot. Think about that for two minutes and tell me that you don’t want to walk into the ocean.”

15-john Mulaney jokes On Connecticut:
“I was in Connecticut recently doing white people stuff…”

16-john Mulaney jokes On an 1860’s gazebos:
“Building a gazebo during the Civil War, that’d be like doing stand-up comedy now.”

17-john Mulaney best jokes On Trump:
“This guy being the president, it’s like there’s a horse loose in the hospital. I think eventually everything’s going to be okay, but I have no idea what happens next. And neither do any of you, and neither do your parents because there’s a horse loose in the hospital.”

18-Best john Mulaney jokesOn facts:
“Get out of here with your facts. You’re like the kid at the sleepover who, after midnight, is like, ‘It’s tomorrow now.’ Get out of here with your technicalities. Just because you’re accurate doesn’t mean you’re interesting.”

19- Best john Mulaney jokesOn putting his dog in a baby stroller:
“People learn in to see the baby, and instead they see a gargoyle, breathing like Chris Christie.”

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